"The Way She Smurfs At You"

One night, Empath and Hefty were sitting together at the counter in Tapper's Tavern, quietly enjoying their drinks without talking to each other: Empath with his usual glass of sarsaparilla ale and Hefty with his glass of Vita-Juice. Empath was busy working on the crossword puzzle that was in that day's newspaper when something came into his mind that he wanted to ask his best friend.
"Tapper, do you ever get that feeling that Smurfette is looking at you...like...," he began to ask before his voice trailed off, finding himself somewhat uncomfortable.
"You mean the kind of look she smurfs toward a male Smurf she might have an interest in, my good Empath?" Tapper responded. "I'm sure that every Smurf around our ages here has smurfed that kind of feeling whenever Smurfette is around, as if she's attracted to us physically. It's a natural sort of thing that happens, and sometimes even I can feel it smurfing from her."
"I smurf that kind of feeling all the time from her, Tapper," Hefty said. "I just don't let that kind of thing bother me."
"But this smurf hasn't done anything that has made Smurfette be physically interested in this smurf, Tapper," Empath said.
"You do not need to have done anything to cause it to happen, Empath," Tapper said. "Unlike some Smurfs here who just smurf it upon themselves to make themselves physically attractive, others simply smurf about their lives smurfing what they would normally smurf. We would never fully know just what it is that interests a female Smurf, but whatever it is, even it is just physical, we can't ignore that it will attract them to the point where they may to smurf more about the Smurf that they're interested in."
"I bet my smurfs that Smurfette is just interested in Empath because she only wants to smurf under his hat, if you know what I mean," Hefty said.
"'Smurf under my hat'? What do you mean by that, Hefty?" Empath asked.
"You smurf all those years in Psychelia and you don't know anything about how nature smurfs?" Hefty said. "So much good you will smurf us. Look, if Smurfette's been smurfing at you more often than she's been smurfing at us, then she's got to be smurfing for something that, well..."
"How dare you would even think that of Smurfette, my good Hefty," Tapper said. "You see, Empath, what he's smurfing of is the private intimate ritual that should normally happen when a male Smurf and a female Smurf are married. She smurfs your head by smurfing under your hat, which would have you smurf her hair under her hat, and from then on, it...smurfs you both close together."
"This smurf seems to understand, Tapper," Empath said. "But does Smurfette even know about this ritual?"
"Who knows all the things that smurf within a Smurfette's mind, Empath?" Tapper said. "It is a mystery that has besmurfed even the wisest and most intelligent male Smurfs for centuries."
"If Smurfette's that interested in you, Empath, believe me, she'll be smurfing about it," Hefty said.
"This smurf would rather Smurfette be interested in things about this smurf besides the physical parts, if that can be helped," Empath said.
"Well, that's entirely up to you to smurf that part of yourself to Smurfette, Empath," Tapper said. "Physical love can only smurf so far before it becomes empty and hollow. What you must do is show Smurfette that you care for her as a fellow Smurf and a female Smurf, that you would be willing to smurf your life for her and smurf her what she wants, and that you won't always be rewarded for it. True love requires taking risks like that, but if it's worth smurfing that Smurfette is happy regardless of what we smurf in return, then that should be our reward."
"That's pretty cheap...smurf everything for Smurfette and smurf nothing in return except that she is happy," Hefty said. "For everything that I have smurfed for her, I would expect that I would smurf something more from her."
"All of us here would expect something more from Smurfette for the things that we smurf for her, Hefty," Tapper said. "But the one thing we can't do is change somebody's heart. That power is solely in the hands of the Almighty, and only He can smurf a heart wherever He wants it to go, whether it's toward somebody or away from somebody."
"You do have a point, Tapper," Empath said. "If loving Smurfette means that her happiness counts for more in this smurf's world than my own, then this smurf will do whatever it takes to make sure of that."
"Even if that means that she wants to smurf under your hat?" Hefty asked in a suggestive manner.
"This smurf would never do anything to take advantage of her, Hefty, even if she seems to be asking for it," Empath said.
"Yeah, sure...you're a real gentlesmurf around her, Empath," Hefty said.
"I would believe Empath will know enough about how to behave around a Smurfette that he will never smurf himself or Smurfette of their virtue, Hefty," Tapper said. "Nevertheless, my prayers are for you and for every Smurf here that we will maintain ourselves with propriety and dignity until such a time as when Smurfette will smurf for herself a mate."
"I know how to act around a Smurfette, Tapper," Hefty said. "You don't have to bother praying to this Almighty that I don't believe in to smurf me on the straight and narrow."
"But how does this smurf handle the way that Smurfette looks at this smurf, Tapper?" Empath asked.
"You just behave like a gentlesmurf, Empath," Tapper said. "If she really cares about you for more than just your looks, she'll undersmurf that you're more than just an object of her desire. I can't see why she wouldn't smurf you for something beyond being just the new Smurf in her life. But if she doesn't...well, just keep smurfing her the way that you would want to be smurfed by her regardless."
"That's something to think about," Empath said. "This smurf never thought that having Smurfette around means that this smurf would be the center of her attention, and possibly the center of her affections."
"Well, get used to it, Empath," Hefty said. "I have to deal with this problem myself."

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